Scrupulous Thinking: How Anxiety Masquerades as “Doing Everything Right”

I have some friends who don’t eat vegetables. I always joke that if I stopped eating veggies, I’d be afraid of some terrible gastrointestinal disease in my 90s. But really—how many people in their 90s don’t have some kind of health challenge?

That’s a good example of what I call scrupulous thinking.

Scrupulous thinking is a form of anxiety—closely related to, but not the same as, scrupulosity, a type of OCD that involves excessive worry about sin, morality, or going to hell. While scrupulosity falls under the umbrella of OCD, scrupulous thinking can show up in anyone dealing with anxiety. It’s the part of your brain that says, “If I just do everything right, I can avoid pain, suffering, or chaos.”

Anxiety, at its core, is a sense that something is not quite right—a feeling of unease or impending doom. And like water, anxiety tends to follow the path of least resistance. It often latches onto things that seem within our control, even if they’re only loosely connected to the real fear underneath.

Take the example of eating vegetables. The underlying fear might be about aging, illness, or losing control over one’s body. But rather than face those fears directly, anxiety says, “Here’s the deal—eat your veggies religiously, and you’ll stay safe.” Thus, a ritual is born.

Scrupulous thinking can manifest in countless ways: obsessing over food choices, worrying about our children’s education, fixating on friendships, or being hyper-aware of spending habits. These behaviors are rooted in the hope that “right living” will bring about safety, prosperity, or health. But life doesn’t work that way—there are no guarantees.

So what can we do?

Mindfulness offers a powerful alternative. It’s the practice of living in the present moment, with awareness and acceptance. It encourages flexibility, a positive outlook, and healthy coping strategies. Importantly, mindfulness doesn’t ignore the future—it embraces common-sense planning: saving money, setting goals, making realistic plans. But it also reminds us to let go of the illusion of control.

Balancing mindfulness with practical planning helps us live more authentically—fully alive today, dreaming for tomorrow, and adapting to life’s inevitable curveballs.

If scrupulous thinking is tied to emotionally charged memories, therapies like Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) or EMDR can help reduce the emotional intensity. Other effective approaches include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—all of which offer practical tools for managing anxiety and loosening the grip of scrupulous thoughts.

You can’t prevent every hardship—but you can live with more freedom, peace, and presence. That’s a future worth investing in.

Ready to Try ART or EMDR Therapy in Southlake, TX?

If you're ready to experience the transformative benefits of ART or EMDR therapy and improve your sleep, consider reaching out to Anne Chester, LCSW.

Comparison is the thief of joy. That statement is so true.

Comparison keeps us from seeing the good things in our lives. Comparison believes that I did not get my fair shake. It is the ultimate “I am not enough” or “I am unique and not in a good way.”

Comparison looks to others as a measure of how good or bad our lives and situations are. I don't have pain as bad as that person, so I should be okay. Or I look around and see everyone else's families happy or taking that dream vacation, and my family does not. When someone else gets promoted, our instinct is to compare talents and productivity. It is human desire to see if our lives will be okay. 

What happens when we start comparing? We usually feel disappointed, jealous, and envious. We begin to look for a way to measure up or improve our lives. Comparison is irrational - it is our perception and not necessarily the reality of another’s experience. 

The remedy to comparison is gratitude and spirituality. Spirituality means recognizing that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. We live in a big world. Spirituality is about connection. Spirituality accepts reality but finds gratitude and purpose.  Spirituality is serving others and taking care of the least of these - volunteering in a pet rescue, helping a neighbor, or caring for a sick child.  Spirituality connects us to our breath and quiets overthinking.  Spirituality looks for gratitude in everyday life and responds with connection. 

Comparison plans a response to a future that is not fair. That future may not ever happen.

Ready to Try ART or EMDR Therapy in Southlake, TX?

If you're ready to experience the transformative benefits of ART or EMDR therapy and improve your sleep, consider reaching out to Anne Chester, LCSW.

Conflict is complex

Have you ever offended or disappointed a friend or loved one and been unable to understand what happened?

Conflict is a complex and painful human experience, and its consequences far surpass the two people at odds.

We all want to be understood, loved, and accepted for who we are. We want people to see and acknowledge that our response is reasonable and that we are good. I have attended training on conflict resolution, peacemaking, and healing betrayal, participated in conflict resolutions, sought help for myself in conflict with others, and helped clients heal from the discards they experienced from others. The principles of peacemaking taught in these training sessions are helpful in many situations, but not all.

In my experience, one type of conflict that does not benefit from traditional conflict resolution is the one that affects me but has nothing to do with me. The pattern is often something like this:

Friends Judy and Vera have a conflict. Maybe Judy cancels plans due to an illness, steps aside from a position, or has a different political perspective. Vera lashes out self-protectively by discarding, blaming, accusing, or picking a fight. Judy feels confused, betrayed, and discarded.

Judy tries to apologize, but Vera rejects it. Judy’s apology does not resonate with Vera, who carries unresolved hurt from a past event or trauma into the current conflict. Vera gets angrier and angrier with Judy over time despite limited contact. The conflict has nothing to do with Judy.

Letting the situation "roll off your back" does not help anyone move forward and heal. Pretending not to care about Vera's actions is denying reality. Denial of reality creates a cesspool of pain, revenge, entitlement, and victimhood.

Signs that the conflict stems from another person's trauma rather than a present offense are:

1. Emotions of the offended person intensify with time despite no contact

2. The offended person is not interested in reconciliation or personal responsibility

3. The offended person does not accept or acknowledge an apology

4. The offended person often refuses to speak of the event or define the offense.

5. The offended person discards the relationship with little warning.

6. The discarded person stonewalls instead of trying to work things out.

7. The conflict feels confusing.

8. People's perspectives on the conflict suggest that they are discussing different situations—there is no starting point for conflict resolution.

When approaching conflict, essential questions to ask yourself are

1. Who or what am I responding to? Is this something I did or someone's trauma?

2. Is engaging in the healing process worth the emotional energy?

3. Is the offended person emotionally safe?

4. Is there a reasonable and reachable goal?

Conflict resolution implies that we will come to an acceptable agreement on how to move forward, let go of the past, and be able to share spaces neutrally. Reconciliation restores the relationship. A third option, neutrality, diffuses the energy around the conflict.

Before I discuss action, I think it is essential to state that this technique is not always appropriate. Do not try this strategy with a professionally diagnosed personality disorder or someone who means you harm. Do not engage in this conflict resolution strategy with an abuser. Get help if you need help!

Neutrality finds resolution by dialing down the heat. The relationship is not coming back. You cannot fix someone's trauma or change the past.

In conflict resolution, neutrality is not having emotional energy around a person or situation. Neutrality does not seek reconciliation, but it benefits Judy and Vera by dialing down the heat of the conflict and creating a more comfortable environment in shared spaces.

Neutrality acknowledges your adversary's good qualities—decency and good intentions—but it also acknowledges painful experiences, feelings, and seemingly wrong or irrational judgments. For example, the conversation might begin with, "It must be hard to give your best and feel judged and as if you are not enough."

The conversation cannot be about you, the offense you experienced, or anything related to you. Gratitude and validation are not goals in this strategy. Remember, the goal is to dial down the heat of the conflict and feel more comfortable in shared spaces.

It is not worth the emotional investment if Vera requires Judy to take responsibility for the offense. Once the neutrality strategy is tried but rejected, you may be dealing with a personality disorder. Walk away from further engagement.

Do not expect instant results from this type of conversation. Your feelings still need to be processed, and you may need professional help.

This strategy may not work, but it respects the dignity of both parties. What have you got to lose?

Healing is slow and does not necessarily mean reconciliation in conflict resolution. Neutrality acknowledges pain and works towards acceptance and peace, even though the relationship will not return to its previous state.

Ready to Try ART or EMDR Therapy in Southlake, TX?

If you're ready to experience the transformative benefits of ART or EMDR therapy and improve your sleep, consider reaching out to Anne Chester, LCSW.